How to Find the Love You’re Looking For

Photo by Mayur Gala on Unsplash

Do you feel like you are getting the love you want in your life?

Every last one of us craves love and connection. We are literally wired for it.

February brings that Hallmark holiday that everyone either loves or loves to hate. Some enjoy creating a romantic celebration, others feel resentful because of an uninterested partner, or else left out of the whole shebang.

A few smart singles survive the silly day with a night of popcorn, ice cream and chick flicks, or perhaps a fun night out with their pals.

These sorts of holidays can bring up a lot of pain, even grief, for many of us. Whether we’re hitched or not.

If you’re hitched, and feeling like you’re not receiving the love you want or need from your partner—there’s resentment. If you’re single and wishing you were partnered, that brings up many layers of sadness, loss, self doubt, and even despair.

When I help clients with “Deliberate Creation”, which is basically engaging with the Law of Attraction to co-create life situations that they prefer, I find there are three issues which get the most sticky and tangly. These three problems that appear to the client to be unchangeable and immoveable. The “story” has become the fact.

They are: Money, Health, and Love.

Believe me, I’m my own client sometimes and I’ve personally gotten lost in my story regarding all three of these at certain times in my life!

And… I’ve found that often the same solutions work for all three issues.

The Greatest of These is Love

In this post I’m talking about the Love conundrum, because, yes, as human beings we are literally wired to crave it. And, because hey—it’s on my mind because as I write, with Valentine’s Day coming right up.

Some might argue with me, but I believe I’ve discovered THE ultimate ‘method’ for bringing love into your life. Whether you are wanting to attract your perfect mate, or you simply want your current one to love you more (or at least show it), this ‘method’ does the trick.

Ready for it? (Drum roll….)

Love Yourself First.

Yep, that’s it. Give yourself (truly, madly, deeply) the love you so crave from another.

So deceptively simple. And so NOT easy to actually do.

Hey! Stop rolling your eyes! I know the word “self-love” is overused in some circles … but I’m not kidding. If you are not receiving the love you want it’s time to turn your attention inward.

If the phrase ‘self-love’ gives you the gag reflex, play with some of these alternatives:

Self compassion, self appreciation, self care, self respect, self confidence, self acceptance, self compassion, self-forgiveness… and my personal favorite—self kindness.

See…. If you can’t get there in your own head (and most of us are VERY unpracticed at this!) it becomes A LOT harder to find and attract someone who will truly love you—the way you want to be loved.

Until you can see your own light, how can anyone else really see it? In a sustained way?

Sure they might catch a glow, want to bask in some of your radiance, but if you are dimming it with your beliefs about yourself, with constant self flagellation, with incessant reminders to yourself about what a loser you are…. Well, it’s a lot harder for the love of your life to approach, or remain in, your orbit.

Plus, if you are looking to reinvent yourself, to find the courage to step into new projects or endeavors, learning to love and appreciate yourself for who you are is key!

Why I know This Works

I’m telling you I’m a poster child that proves the truth of this. I currently live in a town where (so they say) there are at least 7 single women to every single man. I arrived here single, and—being hetero—this was not welcome news.

So, I did two things. The first was to refuse to buy into or repeat that story. After all, it only takes one, right?

The second was to actively cultivate self love and self kindness. And believe me, this didn’t come easy to me! A bullied child, I had spent the majority of my life bullying my own self. My inner narrative would have made you cringe!

But I got deIiberate about this thing. Not necessarily because I was desperate to find a partner (desperation never yields good results—but that’s another blog post!), but because I was reinventing myself and I was ready to consider the idea that I might be more lovable than I had believed up till then.

I engaged with the practices listed below…. and before too long I met someone, and this someone has turned out to be the love of my life!

Since then, I’ve bumped up against the old ‘relationships bring up your shit’ thing, and found myself sometimes regressing to my 6-year-old self who feels like she’s not loved enough.

I’ll be honest, sometimes that scenario plays out for longer than I’d like.

And then I remember….. ohhhh yeah! I’ve got to give it to myself first.

When I get back on board with my self-kindness, including—especially—being kind to that lonely, scared 6-year-old, it’s like magic! My sweetheart does something surprising to show how much he loves and cherishes me.

I won’t lie, it’s not easy to shift old patterns and to practice kindness and love toward your own flawed self. But the payoff is dramatic.

Six Ways To Start Showing Love to Yourself

1. Interrupt the ‘idiot talk’.
   Tune into the stream of your thoughts. When you hear the familiar self-berating words in your head, practice interrupting yourself. Ask, ‘do I really want to talk to myself that way? What would I say to a friend about this?’Practice coming up with an alternate reaction like, “It’s okay, we’ll get it next time,” or whatever sounds true to you. Look for the humor, and give yourself the gift of laughter.

2. Give yourself a nightly compliment.
   Each night while brushing your teeth or doing your evening routine, catch your eye in the mirror and sincerely congratulate yourself for ONE thing you got right today. Maybe you smiled at the store clerk, maybe you ate something healthy, it can be ANYTHING, big or small. Jack Canfield says his life transformed after doing this 40 nights in a row.

3. Program your Subconscious with I am Worthy Statements.
   Take a piece of paper and write “I am worthy”. Keep writing “I am worthy” down the entire page. Then go back and begin to fill in, starting with things you already have.For example, I am worthy of my comfortable bed, I am worthy of the fruit in this fruit bowl, I am worthy of my 2 legs that work. As you go down the page begin to add in other things, I am worthy of a healthy relationship, I am worthy of a loving partner. Fill in anything and everything. This is powerful. Try doing it every day for a couple of weeks.

4. Handle Yourself with Care.
   This is self love at its most basic. Notice how you physically treat yourself when grooming, applying sunscreen, brushing your hair etc. Are you rough and hurried? If so, try slowing it down. Imagine you are brushing the hair of a lover or beloved child. Apply lotion to yourself with kindness and love. This one is great for cultivating mindfulness! Bonus:  Say something friendly to yourself while doing it!

5. Greet yourself with delight.
   When you pass a mirror and catch a glimpse of yourself, pretend you are running into a friend you’re delighted to encounter. Say something neutral and kind like, “Oh, there you are!” (This is a great antidote to what most of us do, which is scold ourselves for bad hair, wrinkles, the wrong clothing, etc.)

6. Love List.
   This is similar to the well-known gratitude list but it’s all about being grateful to YOU. Before you go to sleep each night, make a list of 5-10 things you really like and appreciate about yourself. Start each thing with “I am…” This helps you to focus on and affirm your gifts and strengths right before sleep when you can reinforce that in your subconscious.

Pick 1-3 of the following practices and do them once a day. Be patient with yourself if you forget. You are rewiring your brain and it takes time. Begin again, be persistent, and wait for the magic!