What Do You Really Want?

ShinewQuoteHere’s Blog #9 in my one-month commitment to a blog post every weekday!
This story is shared with full permission.

My client was feeling hurt and sad because it seemed that everyone else had a BFF. You know, one of those girlfriends that you can call anytime and pour your heart out. The one you sit up with until 2 a.m. jabbering away about your kids, the Universe, your hopes and fears.

She didn’t understand why she couldn’t connect with a friend like this. Although she’s (very) happily married and feels like she struck pay dirt in the husband department, she longed for a deep connection with another woman.

Since this was an EFT session (although I’m always mixing coaching in with any modality I use with clients), and we tapped away at some of the hurt and sadness she’d been experiencing.

We delved in deeper and deeper as we tapped. She realized that many of the women she meets like to complain about their husbands or partners, but she never joined in—because she really feels like her guy is pretty freakin’ awesome.

And suddenly… there it was!

“Ohhh!” she exclaimed. “If I have an awesome best friend PLUS a great marriage, then people really won’t like me!”

The mother lode. We had some work to do.

This is a HUGE issue for so many of us—especially women!

Whether it’s at work, in the social arena, or any area of life—we ‘play small’ to ensure that we will be accepted and liked.

We might pretend we don’t know as much, or that we’re less together than we really are so we can fit in.

We feel like we don’t deserve to live a life that is fun and fucking fabulous! And so, we subconsciously ‘push away’ the things we really want because we’re actually afraid to get them.

Even if we’re affirming and praying our hearts out for that thing we want…. There’s this other big part that’s saying, “No way! I might be ostracized!

And… it’s true. Some ‘friends’ may drop away if you dare to truly step into your own most Shiny Self. They will feel resentful, jealous. They will want you to stay down in that place of lack with them.

And that’s goddam scary!

And yet. And yet.

Others will be so inspired by your courage. They will find their own Big Shiny Selves buried inside and rise with you. Your willingness to take a risk will set the stage for others to step forward.

When you let go of your smallness, new allies and friends appear. Amazing opportunities drop in seemingly out of nowhere. Because you are aligning yourself to who you really are and what you came here for.

Staying small is the more comfortable and easy route – but, is it really?

Sure, it’s familiar, but what about those niggling unfulfilled longings? The emptiness constantly looking for a new fix to fill it? That little voice that knows? Is it really that comfortable living with those?

Where in your life are you staying small? And how willing are you to take a small step in the direction of growing big?

I’m not saying this stuff happens overnight—at least not for most of us. Like my client you might need to spend A LOT of time working with your shit. Lots of tapping (EFT), lots of examining the stories in your mind, lots of tiny tweaks to your thought forms.

You may want or need to reach out to a qualified coach or practitioner for mentoring and guidance.

What is is that you really want, and think it’s just impossible to get?

Maybe, just maybe, there’s something much deeper lurking underneath.

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Showing 2 comments
  • Ellen

    Things are rarely what they seem on the surface. I’m learning we have to actively examine our thoughts and actions when we get stuck.

    Sandi Amorim has an exercise in her 100 Day Promise course that has been pretty powerful for me. Set up a T chart. On one side, put What do I want to let go of? On the other side, put How do I benefit by holding on to it?

    All behavior has a purpose. I figured out that my story about being an outlier is necessary to let go of because it’s keeping me from connecting with people in the way I want. When I looked at how I benefit from the thought of being an outlier, I saw that it allows me to think I’m special while keeping me safe from rejection. If I set up that people just don’t understand me, then I don’t have to risk or feel bad if people don’t like me. You know, it’s THEM, not ME. 🙂

    Bringing things to conscious awareness allows me to take more mindful actions in the direction of what I DO want. <3

    Good stuff, Sarah!

  • sarah

    I love this tool that you shared Ellen! I’ve come to believe there’s always a ‘payoff’ for those habits, behaviors, or even people that we say we no longer want. Getting clear about what those are is an important step to understanding our own stories and making the decision about whether we want to keep them.

    Thank you for sharing your own story here. It really grounds these ideas in the here and now, and helps all of us to get clear on how we might be unconsciously holding onto behaviors in order to keep ourselves safe. Keep on going with those mindful actions! And thank you for this thoughtful comment! <3

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